I’m currently plodding around the back-end of my Internet communications, consolidating accounts, redirecting subscriptions and so on in preparation for a better blogging experience. All the while, light shows are popping up in people’s yards around my neighbourhood and I’m too busy to blog about it at the moment. So in the Christmas spirit, Rob Smith makes his fourth guest appearance here at Thinkers’ Podium.
Rob here again folks. Look, I know I run a charity that sings hymns for neglected greyhounds, but this hymn is for the readers. Let’s not take the piss too far, eh?
It’s not like I sing to the greyhounds. I sing for them!
A Hymn For All Your Neglected Greyhounds
By
Rob Smith
There is a Biblical passage that comes to mind every Christmas when I see decorations pop up here and there. The passage is Jeremiah 10:2-4 which says…
“Do not learn the way of the Gentiles; Do not be dismayed at the signs of heaven,For the Gentiles are dismayed at them. For the customs of the peoples are futile; For one cuts a tree from the forest, The work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They decorate it with silver and gold; They fasten it with nails and hammers So that it will not topple.”
(Jeremiah 10:2-4, King James Edition)
Yeah, I know what you are thinking… King James Edition. If I went all New International Version, there’d be talk of chisels – the Bible isn’t warning against trees, it’s warning against idolatry. Which for some reason, we are told, excludes the winter solstice trees. The pagan winter solstice trees.
And what about the early Catholic Church. What was their position on the winter solstice tree?
Well of course it was idolatry. At least up until after years and years and years of putting up with the heathens still practising pagan traditions, they came up with the “Christmas tree”, which was strangely similar to the pagan winter solstice tree. The church simply shifted the goal posts so that it didn’t have to acknowledge that the heathens weren’t recognising their authority!
“They undertake this ritual because we approve of it.”
Ahuh. Yeah. Sure. Of course it’s “idolatry”.
Let’s take it back a step. The early Catholic Church manipulated the content of the bible, translating according to their preferred interpretations, and excising entire gospels while including others of dubious origin. This process went on for a long while – perverting the bible with anti-Semitic spin on Judas, and white supremacist interpretations of The Mark of Cain.
But the original gospel authors had their own agenda as well. Why else all the ethnic cleansing and religious intolerance in the fallible Old Testament? If we can excise the outgroup biases of the early Catholic Church, and racist European Christendom, then we can excise these flaws from the Gospel in the first place!
Furthermore, we can have fun with satirical hymns. Or a satirical Christmas Carol if you will.
So here’s my contribution to the satire of religious intolerance surrounding Christmas! Both that of the early church and of the authoritarian gospel authors.
Oh Christmas Tree
by
Rob Smith
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
Ritual of dirty heathens!
In shopping malls that I will go,
I’ll see your leaves with lights a-glow.
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
Ritual of dirty heathens!Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
Jeremiah warned us off you!
With gold and silver you are decked,
Like noose of holly wrapped ’round one’s neck.
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
Jeremiah warned us off you!Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
You are an act of blasphemy,
Silver bells and stars of glass
Portend red-hot pokers in my arse,
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
You are an act of blasphemy!
Have a merry, tolerant, pagan festive season my loves! Enjoy the solstice, whatever your hemisphere.
~ Rob Smith
P.S. This post has nothing to do with neglected greyhounds, unless they pee on your tree. Even sacred trees. Which sometimes they do (the stories I could tell).
Editor’s note: All hate mail pertaining to this post will be filtered through to Santa’s Inbox.
Circling The Abyss 
Dearest facist bully boy*,
my greyhound is not neglected, he is spoilt rotten.
i much prefer
‘deck the halls wit super phosphate,
tralalalalalalala,
tis the season to get prostrate..’
tl:)
*surely** you must get this reference!
**sorry i called you shirley
*** if you google for recurrence, it says ‘did you mean recurrence’. i like that.
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I thought it was “Darling fascist bully boy, give me some money…” or some such.
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As far as my greyhound is concerned, there’s no need for trees or special holidays, for EVERY day is a wonderful gift, from his comfy beds to his twice-a-day-filled food dish and evening walks. And cookies. And squeaky-toys. And ear rubbins. Would that all greyhounds — and all dogs, cats, and other assorted critters who are exploited/abused by stoopid hoomins — were so lucky.
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My Dad used to own/train Greyhounds for racing. He had a few champions.
I like to think his unorthodox approach to training helped. Specifically…
The greyhounds, by ordinary dog standards, had really good kennels. They took part in family events – such as BBQs on the weekends – we have photos of my brother and I in the early 80s playing with the dogs. And the dogs having the odd beer, which they seemed to like. 😉
Exercise came with companionship – the running was very much playful and the dogs loved it. Once one early morning, one of the dogs got out, but it was easy to find, milling around where my Dad took it for walks.
And when time came to retire, which I guess was after the racing, irrespective of their performance, they were given a nice, comfy life with lots of affection. None of this evil “last walk” out in the bush stuff.
The loving approach didn’t work so much for winning horses, when my Dad had race horses, but at least they were happy unlike a heap of others. No “glue factory” rubbish either.
I just don’t think my Dad could bring himself to do the same crap to his animals that other trainers did.
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